Keep your eyes

I spent

$11

On an organic turkey wrap

(With the fake fancy spinach wrap)

And

Walked over to Five Guys

Or as my son says

FIVE GUYS

Have you ever noticed

Everything at FIVE GUYS

is all caps?

Anywho

I spent

$19.92

On my son’s

Jr cheeseburger

And small fries

And Oreo shake

What is going on

I keep asking myself

I would have happily paid

$19.92

For an organic turkey wrap

And $11

For the trash—

You know what I mean—

My son sternly requests

After summer camp

I feel like I should be chanting

RFK!

RFK!

Save us!

But I would be remiss

Bc my negligent ass

(Butt if my gma is reading)

Encouraged my kid

To pick out

Three colors of food dyes

In his shave ice yesterday

And then said hey

Wanna top it off with some gummy bears

And could you throw in

another bowl

With two scoops of ice cream

And whipped cream

From a can

It’s for the baby

I add

Oh hell

I had some too

(All of it)

Okay so that’s on my mind

I’m like one of those people

Who quack

Quack quack!

No technology for more than 2 hours a week Ollie!

You’ve already had your indulgence today!

No more sugar

Food dyes cause ADHD?

Really

Okay no food dyes anymore

Mom guilt!!!

Quack!!!!!!!

And follow almost zero of my rules

And blame it on other people

ESPECIALLY MY HUSBAND

Somehow I can always

Tie it back in

To something he did

It’s almost like

A special skill of mine

That I think

Must be unique to people

Who are keen on food dyes

(Okay I am exaggerating

I really hate food dyes

But again

I quack)

Oh dear

What kind of parent am I

So codependent

On a politician

To make my life healthier

(Can’t you just make the rules

So I can follow them)

I think my eyes are going to burst out of my head

All the decisions

We have to make

To keep our kids

And parents that hide behind their kids

Eating their ice cream

safe

And healthy

But did you know

Red dye #40

Also keeps your eyes from bursting

Out of your head

You may get cancer

And run around

Like a chicken

With its head cut off

But!

You get to keep your eyes!

I can testify

You see

I’m starting to learn

It really is about

Picking and choosing your battles

(And survival)

Sincerely

The mom

Who made carrots and hummus

In the shape of a sunshine

I am a contradiction

I wonder

Which version of myself

My husband fell in love with

The vegan

That bought tickets

To go on vaca

To Buenos Aires

Remember

As vegans

No steak😂😂😂😂😂😂

No leather handbags 😂😂😂😂😂

Or

The mom who was like

Breastfeed

Until the baby refuses

Which is never!!!

It’s a bond unlike any other

Do you think junior kindergarten

Has a nursing lounge

For moms still nursing

(Don’t worry this never happened

Thank you God)

Ah

I think

My husband fell

Just fell in love

With delusional Emily

I hope

I reeallllly do

I still have him fooled!!!

Good thing I still have my pretty blue eyes

(Thanks red dye 40)