Two nights ago
I almost wrote to you
Something that started with
Last night
I held the baby
Straight
For an hour and a half
And she cried
Every time I put her down
I thought my arms
We’re going to fall off
I decided
Something’s got to change
And well
I did this thing
I listened to my mom’s wisdom
If the baby is safe in the crib
It’s okay to walk away
And take some time
To recoup
Or recover
So I did
I left her in the crib
And BLASTED white noise in Ollie’s room
And our room (for Matt)
And I laid on the couch
Out in the living room
Listening to the wailing screams
Of our baby
Learning to fall asleep
On her own
(Safe to say she’s mastered it in two days
And now falls asleep on her own
Peacefully!!!! Praise God)
But something amazing came over me that night
Around 2 AM
So really that morning
As I was laying down
On the couch
I was forced to focus on my breath
Bc the crying was so loud
And so hard not to respond to
But I physically couldn’t anymore
So here’s what happened
I mentally reached within myself
And began breathing
Like the ocean waves
Swelling
And then crashing onto shore
In
And out
Ebb
And flow
I felt this circle
This wheel of breath
Within me
And I became so acutely aware of it
It became me
Or I became it
Just this cycle or breath
I stopped hearing the baby
(For a bit)
And it felt like a prayer
Of strength
Being sent to me
Bc I had decided
To do yet another
Hard thing
That parents have to do
To teach their children
How to grow and develop
In a healthy way
That often is temporarily painful
But in the long run
So much healthier for all
So I was going to write to you and tell you about
This white (okay it was more ivory beige) circle of breath that lived within me
But I took a day
To just be in it
And kind of indifferent
And impervious
To the “success”
To just feel normal
Without having to tell the world
(Oh but here I am!! 🔔 🔔 🔔)
And then
Today
I decided
I was going to write you about how Matt
Let me talk to new friends
We met in the pool
With mascara down my face
For an HOUR!!!!
What a guy what a guy
But then I kind of
Changed my mind
Last minute
And decided
What if I didn’t really write anything
Except
What if tonight
I just picked up my book
And read?
And left it at that
Without anything else
And I thought
Gee, Emily!
That’s SO smart
To assume your readers will think
Oh the brevity
We love that Emily knows
How smart her readers are
And that we’ll assume
That her short ditty
Means she hung up the phone
(Literally—writing from my mobile all summer!!!)
And read a book
And hey
Maybe she’s nudging us
To not be so fixated on always producing
And sometimes just letting things
Come to us
Like breath
Because it’s that give and take
Exchange of energy
And life force
Gee! Emily’s a genius!
But she’s so good at pretending
Like she’s an idiot!
And instead of trying
To come up with a zazzy ending
She just kind of leaves it
Up to us